2026 update: Before there were stories about toddlers wielding mayonnaise like a magic trick or launching pacifiers into the night sky, there was dating.
Specifically, there was online dating in my twenties—a time when I possessed confidence far beyond my actual decision-making abilities.
As I’ve been digging through old blog posts, I found this gem tucked away in the archives. I considered editing it, but honestly, 2013 Jessica deserves to tell this story herself. So what follows is mostly untouched, preserved exactly as it was written when I was still collecting terrible first dates instead of pacifiers from the floor.
Enjoy one of the finest cautionary tales from my dating era.
The Story:
A few years ago, I was working at the hotel on a quiet Sunday morning. An extremely attractive man (Seriously, Bradley Cooper’s twin) came over from the restaurant to steal some of the lobby coffee. He was super hot, and I wasn’t going to stop him. I started my friendly guest chatter, “Good morning, how are you?” etc. We had friendly banter for a few minutes. As he was walking away, I said, “Have a good day!” He stopped and came back to the desk. Apparently, that was a trigger of some kind. He asked me how old I was (22 at the time) and told me I “didn’t look a day over 16.” (red flag) He then went on to tell me how beautiful I was and asked if he could take me to dinner I said “yes” against better judgement (he looked like Bradley Cooper quit judging!) He then stayed for a while and asked me what I was working on, and at one point went and sat at the edge of the counter so that he could “have a better view of me” (red flag). He left, and 15 minutes later I walked into the office to look at my phone…2 text messages and a voice mail from him saying “He’d never felt this way about anyone” (RED FREAKIN’ FLAG).
I still went on the date. We decided to meet at Macaroni Grill. I had put my friends on call, knowing I might end up in the trunk of this guy’s car (ladies, if you ever think you could be kidnapped or murdered on a date…just don’t go). We walked in and everything seemed fine until the hostess went to seat us. We walked to the first table; however, “the lighting was no good”. This happened three more times. 10 minutes later we found a table that was “perfect” by his lighting standards (red flag). We order drinks…I ordered water not wanting to have any alcohol in my system when he decided to kidnap me. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the evening:
Him: “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
Me: “I just don’t currently. Why aren’t you seeing someone?”
Him: “I am married…well currently separated. My wife can’t imagine raising children with me because she thinks I’m bipolar. I’m not sure if I am or not. I think I’ll get evaluated but not tell her the results.”
My thoughts: WTF WTF WTF have I gotten myself into????
Him: “I’m sorry I keep staring at your forehead”
Me: “Ummm I guess that’s ok?”
Him: “I just keep picturing you as a little girl fixing your bangs in the mirror. Did you have bangs as a little girl?”
Me: “At one point yes…”
Him: “I thought so…”
My thoughts: Oh god I’m going to die tonight.
Him: “Do you have any Scandinavian ancestry in you?”
Me: “I think I might…”
Him: “I knew that’s why I’m fucking crazy about you”
My thoughts: Again wtf??
Let’s just say the date lasted an hour and I got away as fast as I could. Never heard from him again, never tried to talk to him again. Then about 7 months after that he and his wife came to eat at the restaurant attached to the hotel…with their baby. Not only did they come and sit in the lobby he actually said “hello” to me and waved.
Was I an idiot to go on that date? You better believe it. Have I learned to trust my instincts? You better believe it. Is it an entertaining story to tell? Absolutely.
ADHD and Awkward 
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