From the archives: Do These Stairs Go Up?

2026 edit: When I worked in the hotel industry, I thought I was just collecting funny stories to tell my friends. It turns out I was accidentally writing the first chapters of my memoir.

These posts aren’t polished. They aren’t educational. They’re just little snapshots of humanity through the eyes of a very sarcastic twenty-something working the front desk. And yes, sometimes my responses were that sarcastic… some people needed it.

I promised I’d bring some of these stories back because they deserve to live somewhere other than a forgotten archive.

Today’s installment: one of the questions that became the title of this post.

“Do These Stairs Go Up?”

As many of you know, I like to share my hotel stories and quotes. Here is a list of a few of my favorites and the reasons why I have lost faith in humanity:

-“Do these stairs go up?” How does one even respond to that? “No, they don’t; they just appear to go up. Though we are on the ground level floor, they actually go down.”

– (via phone in the hotel room) “How do you dial the telephone?” Congratulations you figured it out! Now just dial the number of the poor person you actually are wanting to speak with!

– Guest:”How do you turn on the lights?” Me: “Did you try the light switches?” Guest: “Oh…no. I’ve got it now!” How the hell did you drive here??

-“We accidentally lit the pillow on fire.” I don’t even want to know how that happened…

-“The bathtub isn’t draining.” The answer to this is always…” that’s because you have the drain plug in.”

-Guest: “How far are you from Black Hawk?” Me: “About 40 minutes.” Guest: “Ok, how far are you from Ameristar?” Me: “The same amount of time…Ameristar is in Black Hawk”

-Guest: “Are you Brittany?” Me: “Nope, I’m Jessica.” Guest: “Right, but are you, Brittany?”
Me: “No…”

Guest: “How do I get to you?”
Me: “Where are you?”
Guest: “The parking garage.”
Me: “Go through the door…”
Guest: “Where is it?”
Me: “On the wall…the wall that’s attached to the building. Go through the door and you’ll find me.”
My thoughts: It scares me that I have to give step by step instructions on getting into a building…God forbid there is a fire and this gentleman has to get out of the building on his own.

Guest: “This hotel is louder than China!”
My thoughts: “WTF does that even mean?!”

Married Male Guest: “So are you gonna come up later and have a drink?”
Me: “Nope.”
Married Guest: “Will you come up if I call and tell you my TV is broken?”
Me: “Nope, based on this conversation you’ll have to tough it out if that’s the case.”
My thoughts: Seriously??

Douche bag wedding party guest (when I was blonde): “Hey Blondie…”
Me: “Nope, go back and try that again.”
My thoughts: Does this actually work for them in the real world?

Guest (via phone): “I’d like to make a reservation…”
Me: “Ok what dates?”
Guest: “2013…”
Me: “Ok…What date specifically are you looking to check in?”
Guest: “June…”
Me: “What days in June?”
Guest: “I think that last week in June, maybe a Friday, what are the dates during the last week of June?”
My thoughts: Look at a fucking calendar before you call me…I swear to you I will hang up. This conversation happens probably once per week.

Guest (via phone): “Do you have any rooms available tonight?”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m sold out. I have no rooms available.”
Guest: “What about something with a queen-size bed?”
Me: “I have NO rooms available.”
Guest: “What about a suite?”
Me: “I have a maid’s closet and a couch in the lobby…I have no rooms available tonight. We are sold out.”
Guest: “I’m a parent of a student at School of Mines.”
My thoughts: Oh yes, something just opened up… I was lying every time I said I was sold out. I’m going to hang up…

And that’s just to name a few… And that’s just hotel guests. That’s not even people I run into out in other places who fall under the “moron category.” Do you think we can sign a petition to ban stupid people?