I had a very happy childhood. I had the chance to be creative and free spirited. The house we lived in was backed up to a ditch with some open space. To a kid it was a magical forest that I got to play in daily. I loved it.

However, things that were hard for me suddenly make so much sense now. I have an official diagnosis now. I realize I wasn’t being difficult. I wasn’t a cry baby or my favorite a “spoiled brat.” I was legitimately struggling with a lot of things.

Preschool and kindergarten were a breeze and a great time for me. I did attend a Montessori and I think that worked well for my ADHD brain. There was freedom, there was choice, I worked at my own pace.

It was when I got into the thick of elementary school when I realized things became more of a challenge. I was at a Catholic school that was very traditional. In 3rd grade I remember that we had to memorize our times tables. My teacher had the cute idea to put up planets, every planet was a different set of facts (1s table, 2s table…etc.). This became my worst nightmare. We would take our timed tests daily. i was stuck on 3s forever, then 4s, then 6s. My classmates spaceships moved ahead and I lingered behind on whatever planet I was stuck on in the moment. At one point, my teacher made me stay in for recess to do my tests because I was so far behind everyone else. Eventually, I resorted to cheating by keeping the answers written on a slip of paper in my desk. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t pass the damn tests to save my life.

Then in 5th grade again, I was required to memorize states and capitals and put them on a map. We had to do this test until we passed. Again, I lost recesses to take the test over and over. I was the only girl sitting in at recess doing it. And once more resorted to cheating again because I just couldn’t do it.

I knew I was smart, but I also knew I wasn’t smart like the other girls who had been labeled smart. I was my own kind of smart. I wrote poems, I wrote children’s stories, I created complex alter egos. I tried to start businesses and clubs. I could not memorize and I was only mediocre at school. I didn’t know why I was different and not smart like the other girls. I worked just as hard, but got 100x more frustrated when I couldn’t do it.

In 8th grade, I decided to go to a public middle school. In 7th grade, I had been doing far more advanced math than at the public school. More abstract math or math that was like a puzzle (algebra and statistics) that was my jam. So my guidance counselor wanted me to take a test to get into honors classes in middle school. I started the test, alone in her office one day. I remember getting the feeling of dread I had become accustomed to when doing work that was challenging to me. Too challenging. I started to get a headache and feel ill. I wanted to throw up. After a couple hours, she asked if I wanted to finish the test on a different day. I said “yes,” knowing full well I was not going back to finish that test.

I avoided her like the plague. One day she found me and asked if I wanted to finish it. I told her “no.” We never spoke of it again. 8th grade was also a time where my hormones were in a chaotic place. As it turns out, your ADHD becomes worse in moments where your hormones are out of whack. I wasn’t diagnosed, so I didn’t know that. All I knew was that school was hard, teachers didn’t like me much, and I didn’t want to be there.

High school was much of the same for me. I struggled and didn’t want to be there. I did my work and kept my head down. I didn’t really connect with any teachers except for one math teacher, Mr. Goudge, who saw through my masking.

As I write this, I’m now realizing who I am as a teacher. I now know why the boys, who other teachers struggle with, do well in my class. I see them. I see their neurospicy brains and I connect with them. I realize now why I don’t enforce memorization. I let students use notes on their tests. I let them use resources. I understand that memorization isn’t for everyone. There are different types of genius.

Thankfully, the world has come a long way in regards to mental health and there is far more information out there. Luckily, I’m hyper-aware of these differences. This helps me to reach my most neurodivergent students.

I’d love to hear from you! What was your life like pre-diagnosis? Especially if you are late to the diagnosis game like me! Leave a comment below!