Almost 5 years ago I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. Something my therapist had suggested I had struggled with my entire life. Which was true, I was always an anxious child. I remember my mom driving on different streets instead of the ones we typically went on and going into an absolute panic that we were going to be lost forever and never make it home. I also had this irrational fear that if I slept over at someone’s house my home would catch on fire with my mom in it. I would always have to leave sleepovers because of this reoccurring thought.

2 years after receiving my diagnosis I finally decided to give medication a shot, because as it turns out having a baby made my anxiety almost unbearable. Like started developing agoraphobia unbearable. The medication worked and has been working since. However, I started noticing other things that just didn’t feel right. One time, before work, I went to Kingsoopers to get my kids candy. After I checked out I could not find my car keys anywhere! I traced my steps in the store, I peered through my window hoping to see if they were locked in my car. I called my husband in a panic and he sent a locksmith. I took an Uber to work. Once I walked into my classroom, I went to put my phone in my leggings pocket and felt my keys. I wanted to cry. What the fuck happened?

Literally the next school year, I had gone into work and was going about my business. A coworker found me and let me know that my car was parked and running in the parking lot. I had just gotten out of my car and left it. Again…what in the actual fuck? My husband was constantly saying, “You need to slow down,” because I was forgetting and losing things constantly.

I really thought this was just what happened after having kids. My mom had always said that children take your brain. So I accepted this inability to focus and remember as a sign of being a mom…which in some respects was true.

This past year, through the power of TikTok, I found myself watching videos about women with ADHD. I learned that 75% of women go undiagnosed because they’re usually diagnosed with anxiety. Often girls and women internalize their ADHD. I learned that women tend to get diagnosed later because a hormonal event makes their ADHD symptoms worse. This can be puberty, childbirth, perimenopause, and menopause.

I soon started therapy just to talk through other things and started reflecting on my childhood. My childhood was a very happy one, but I also remembered some internal struggles. I remember how projects made my feel physically ill because they overwhelmed me. I remember I could not for the life of me memorize my multiplication tables in 3rd grade. I also could not memorize states and capitals.

Even in college, during my bachelor’s degree, if I had a significant paper due I would wait until the last minute. I was more focused under pressure. If I tried to be organized and split it up overtime I would get overwhelmed by the process. Speaking of planners, I always wanted to use one, bought one religiously for years and never used them. It did not work for me.

So I decided to seek out a psychiatrist that could help me get to the bottom of this. I could not find one for the longest time because the treatment of ADHD became very abused during COVID. So no one wanted to even talk to me about it. I finally found a psychiatric office about a month ago. Over the past few weeks, I have had appointments with psychiatric nurse practitioners, completed the TOVA test, and met with a psychiatrist and overwhelmingly they agreed. I definitely have ADHD. I was officially diagnoised this past week.

It was such a relief knowing that I was not losing my mind, I didn’t have early onset dementia, I didnt struggle with executive functioning skills because I’m a disorganized mess, my brain is just different.

So I have decided to start this blog to document what it feels like to get to know and accept myself as it is. I’m also hoping to help other women seek a diagnosis if they feel like they’re also going insane.

The psychiatrist started me on a low dose of Adderall, because it’s easy to change and manipulate and find out if it is working. It’s been 3 days I definitely see some positives, but there are some side effects I don’t love, but we will keep going.

Hopefully, I can spend the next year falling in love with my brain and learning to use it’s super powers.